


afraid of

by deaneatscake



Series: codas and stuff [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Post-Episode: s13e06 Tombstone, Sharing a Bed, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-03 19:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12754485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deaneatscake/pseuds/deaneatscake
Summary: dean can’t help but wonder what cas feels; he’s wondered this a hundred times. sometimes, when he had a shred of hope, he wondered if cas felt the same for him as he did; other times, he just wanted to map every single one of cas’ thoughts on desires, have his whole soul laid bare in front of him, no matter the consequences. today it’s the latter, and it hurts with a passion he thought he’d never experience again.





	afraid of

**Author's Note:**

> Before anyone asks: the lowercase is a stylistic choice. I have zero regrets.

the bunker is quiet after jack leaves. there’s something in the air, a mix of agitation and resignation – it hurts to breathe, or maybe that’s just dean.

sam turns in almost immediately after the initial shock, after cas hurried to both of them and looked for injuries. turns out he still got the juice because he insists on healing dean’s small scratch for no reason whatsoever.

now it’s just both of them, sitting there awkwardly, dean inspecting the dirt under his fingernails, cas nursing a beer. this, dean muses, would be the perfect opportunity to – well, say  _something_ , but he doesn’t know what or rather,  _how_.

nothing he says could ease the pain of losing jack, anyway, and that  _should_  be his top priority now. it certainly is cas’, if his crestfallen face is anything to go by. so dean’s lost in his own thoughts, alternating between hating himself for being so hostile to jack and hating himself for being a selfish bastard who’s happy that he’s got cas alone.

it’s curious, how easy it was to fall back into his old patterns with cas – to tease him affectionately, to issue and take orders between them, to, well, stare at him with unabashed amazement. he likes to think it’s because cas is  _literally back from the dead_ , but really, it’s just a regular old day in his life.

but now they’re back at it again – the silence that, honestly, destroyed a lot of what could otherwise have been perfect nights together. and he wonders how to do it, how to  _start_ , to break the circle.

he thinks back to the  _welcome home, pal,_ and shudders. “i wasn’t –” he starts before he can lose hope. “i wasn’t the nicest to jack.” it’s a safe thing to start with, he thinks, because this is what cas thinks about the most. and sure enough, he looks up, his fingers slowly running over the beer label.

“i’m just – i feel like i’ve been responsible, you know. because i kind of – told him a few bad things. and now he’s gone, and it’s –”

“not your fault,” cas finishes for him before straightening in his seat. “nothing we could have said would have been enough. some things… some things you just have to see for yourself. i mean, we all tried, and we did our best but sometimes – that’s not  _enough_. sometimes there’s nothing for you there, you know.” his eyes drift away.

dean can’t help but wonder what cas feels; he’s wondered this a hundred times. sometimes, when he had a shred of hope, he wondered if cas felt the same for him as he did; other times, he just wanted to map every single one of cas’ thoughts on desires, have his whole soul laid bare in front of him, no matter the consequences. today it’s the latter, and it hurts with a passion he thought he’d never experience again.

“it was hard without you, you know,” he says quietly. “i was unfair to jack, and nothing excuses that, but i was – every time i looked at him, i just saw you. it’s funny, he’s actually a lot like you – so clueless sometimes, and yet so – not that you’re clueless anymore now.”

“well, you  _did_  make me watch a lot of movies,” cas chuckles softly. “i suppose it was bound to happen.” with a more serious note, he continues: “dean, whatever happened, you can’t turn back the clock. and i forgive you if there is anything i have to forgive you for.”

_more than you’d ever know, probably,_  dean thinks. then, because he’s a goddamn masochist, he continues. “i was really out of it for a while back there, and i – but now i’ve got you back and it – fuck, cas, it frightens me.”

cas frowns. “having me back frightens you?” he asks incredulously.

“no, i mean – the case, it was so fucking  _easy_ , having you back there and working, but i can’t forget that you just up and left and – fuck, cas, i can’t do that again. i know i’ve said it before, but i  _mean_  it. i can’t lose you again.  _losing_  you is what frightens me.”

“you won’t lose me again,” cas says. the atmosphere in the room is almost palpable.

“you don’t know that.”

“i do.” cas leans forward. “i didn’t annoy the empty for nothing. i wanted to come back, to you. all of you,” he swiftly adds. “and i did this because i wanted to live. i don’t care about the circumstances, i just want to live – with you. if you want me to.”

“of course i want to.”

“then there’s nothing to be afraid of,” cas says. it’s easy for him to say, dean thinks, because he’s not the one who’s so madly and dumbly in love with his best friend, and he’s also not the one had to bury and burn the love of his life.

he still has a lot to be afraid of. “do you want to –” dean starts but this time, he really does lose hope halfway.

to be fair, he isn’t even sure what he wanted to say in the first place but that doesn’t stop cas from looking at him full of expectation. “watch a movie?” he finally finishes lamely because it’s the only thing – the only safe thing – he can think of right now.

“now?”

“yeah, why not. i mean, it’s –” shit, it’s late. “i’m not tired anyway. and you know, the – um, the guest room, it looks really bad. so you could stay. in my room, i mean. after – after we watch the movie.”

cas tilts his head. “i would love that,” he says. “what do you want to watch?”

dean thinks back to dodge city and dave mather. his cowboy hat is still out there somewhere in the graveyard, but he’s pleased to find out that it hurts just a bit. “i was thinking something like a comedy.”

about halfway through the movie, he starts to drift off; it’s easy, again, to fall back into this, with cas firmly by his side, radiating warmth. the laptop is on cas’ lap because, despite dean’s protests that he was definitely not tired, he had already anticipated something like this, but dean doesn’t have it in him to care. it’s warm, it’s soft, and he feels safer than he did in – well, a long time. too long.

+++

the next morning, he’s tucked into his blanket, his face squished between two pillows. cas is still there – somewhere between dean falling asleep and the credit scene he must have migrated into the chair next to his bed.

when he sees that dean’s awake, he starts to get up. “i’ll make you coffee,” he says, smiling fondly at what must be terribly tousled hair and red spots on his face. dean thinks back to the way his head dropped onto cas’ shoulders, the way cas’ hand rested on dean’s thigh when they started to move closer and closer together as sleep lulled him in.

“no,” he says, his voice still hoarse from sleep. cas stops in his tracks and turns around. “come here.” dean pats onto the empty space next to him and cas slowly walks towards it. “all the way here.” cas sits down on the bed. “i mean, get  _in_  here.” he can feel warmth blossom on his cheeks, but he doesn’t back down. there are too many things he’s afraid of.

“dean –” cas says with something between a cry and a plea.

“i mean it,” dean says. “so either get in here or don’t. i don’t ca – no, fuck, i  _do_  care. but it’s your – i mean, if you don’t want to –”

“no, i want to,” cas whispers before pulling back the sheets. he’s still completely dressed, but dean doesn’t care and apparently, neither does cas because he doesn’t waste a second to crawl under the blanket. dean takes a deep breath and tugs at cas’ arm, urging him to come even closer.

cas complies and soon their bodies are touching  _everywhere_ , aligning perfectly, and he wants to say something, anything, but every muscle in his bodies betrays him right now.

“you know,” cas says, resting his forehead on dean’s, “when i was – dead, the empty – told me there was nothing for me back here.”

dean swallows. he wants to say,  _there’s a lot for you back here_ , and,  _there’s everything back here for you_ , and,  _that also includes me, cas, fuck, cas, i love you, i –_

“of course i know that’s bullshit now,” cas says and just like that, he softly kisses dean’s forehead. “honestly, the empty really was  _full_  of shit.” and it’s so obscene and surreal and cas is there, with him, and he just  _kissed_  him, and dean can’t help but laugh way too loud.

“god, cas,” he tries before deciding to  _fuck it_  and leaning forward to kiss cas, properly, on the mouth. he’s still frightened, up to the point that he can hardly breathe, but it feels like it gets better a bit with every second pressed against cas, with every second of him reciprocating that kiss.

“we’ll find jack,” he says after they stop kissing after what feels like eons. 

“of course we will,” cas answers. “together.”

**Author's Note:**

> [reblobbable version ](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/post/167609536373/afraid-of-1500-words-the-bunker-is-quiet-after)  
>  [me on tumblr](https://deaneatscake.tumblr.com/)


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